Happy Anniversary Dear

Well, here we are. Sunday, September 18th. 
It's the day after my birthday. I turned 34 years old yesterday, but that is nothing important compared to today. 

12 years ago today, September 18th, 2010, I stood in front of Christian Whitaker on a Carnival cruise ship in Charleston, SC. We said our vows, and she became Christian Eisenhauer.  

I remember crying when she came around the corner with her Dad and began walking down the aisle.
I was overwhelmed with how beautiful she was.
I was overwhelmed with knowing she was coming to say "I do" to me. 
I knew I was lucky then, and that became more self evident every single day we had together. 
I was crying on that day, and today I am crying for a different reason. 
Happy tears mostly, but I am not going to lie... I sure do miss her.  

We had such a great life together, and we just “got” each other in every way. I can’t put it into words. It was perfect. 12 years is not enough, but God knows what he is doing, and I am grateful that I got that time with the most awesome woman ever. Nobody else can say that, because she was mine. 

Even after all of this, when I think about the time we had together, there is one single thought that runs my mind. It is the same thought I had 12 years ago, as it is today... “I am the lucky one”. Because I was then, and I still am today.  She made my life better in every way. There are more great memories than one can process. I will hang onto those. 

It has been a little over 5 weeks since she died here on earth and went to heaven.
For the past few Sundays, I have shared a Christian music song on my Facebook page that touched my heart, or has helped me through this.  

Today I want to share a song that was one of her favorites.
It is a newer version of an older hymn that she loved. The song is "It is well" by Bethel Music. 
The link is below. 

It Is Well - Bethel Music

I also wanted to share an update on how I have been doing since the last post (Aug 19th). 
I know people are still asking, thinking, and praying for me... So I want them to know. 
Besides that, this outlet of sharing my thoughts and feelings is something I enjoy doing sometimes. 
So read on if you want, or hit the red X in the top right corner, either way I'm getting what I need to out of this. 

I'm still making pretty decent progress (I think) since Christian left here. I honestly have not had many negative thoughts or feelings since the last post. I did have one afternoon / evening where I saw several couples (both young, and old) over the course of the day, and it got to me. Seeing those couples (in their 20s, and in their 80s) got me thinking "oh that must be nice"... or "that would be us right now"... or "that would be us 30yrs from now"... But I realize and know that those kinds of thoughts won't help, so there is absolutely no reason to continue dwelling with them. It is best to just keep them short and temporary.  

We are humans. I have never really had jealousy of any kind, regarding anyone for any reason, as long as I can remember, so that is kind of new for me. Now I feel it sometimes, because I am surrounded by people that still have theirs. I think that feeling is ok to an extent. You just can’t let it eat you up. Besides that one evening, I have been doing pretty well actually.  

I honestly have not cried much lately (other than bawling while I was writing the first part of this post lol).  Really, I have been feeling pretty good spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.
I have had all kinds of thoughts and feelings of what my future might look like.
It is all over the place in my mind, but it is a positive thing to be forward looking with your future I think. 

The loneliness is honestly the only part that actually bites me sometimes. 
I'm not used to doing the daily on my own 100%. I miss sharing useless info about my day with her, or just having her company here at home. Even if it was a chemo week, and she was sleeping on the couch, she was still company. Company is nice. I have always been a people person, so being here alone is a little strange at times. Thinking about it, I don’t know that I have ever actually lived alone by myself ever, in my whole life. It is taking some getting used to. Who knows, maybe I will have company again one day (in the very very distant future).  For now, I rely on friends and family if I feel like talking. It is not the same, but it’s what I got. 

With that said, I do feel like I'm starting to get more normalized with it being just me and the dog, regarding daily routines. This is my new normal. Every day it is becoming more of a habit, and part of every day life. I think we have all seen how "normal" things can change over a period of time, like it did over the past few years. I think it's like that, just here at home for me. 

I have actually been focusing on me a lot. Nothing selfish, just trying to live a better life in as many aspects as possible. It seems to help me feel better in any way that I apply it, and right now, I can use all the help I can get. I have been eating a lot better (and less), exercising, talking and praying with God a lot more, thinking positive thoughts & memories, and staying in a pretty good headspace. I feel good. I am applying myself at work, taking on more responsibility there and enjoying it. I exercise every single morning. I bought a pretty nice mountain bike and I've been riding a good bit. I really enjoy it and look forward to getting better on it. Being outdoors has always been a good place for me. Sweating and physical exercise, not so much (who would have guessed), but I'm adapting and it feels good. It is something else to occupy some of my time, and focus. I have lost 12lbs in the past month. Still have a ways to go, but I can already feel those small results, so we will just keep this train rolling on. 

I have really only been listening to music about Jesus. Mostly k-love. Talking with him on a daily basis and knowing he is there is something I have taken for granted since I accepted him as a kid. This experience has brought me closer to him and it has opened my heart and mind to the point I feel and think differently (better) in many ways.  

It has brought me to a place where I want to help others more than before. I feel like I have always been a generous and helping person (maybe that is 100% wrong lol idk), but this experience has really showed me that there are more important things in life, that you can’t put a price tag on. I want to be a more generous person and help others in as many ways as I can moving forward.
I had been thinking of doing something nice for the pod nurses at WFB (now Atrium) over the past couple weeks. So this past Thursday I dropped off 6doz assorted Krispy Kreme donuts for them, and got to tell most of them how awesome I thought they were.
I said “I do not know how you guys do what you do every single day, in a cheerful manner with a smile on your face, but you are awesome. You made Christians bad situation, not as bad (regarding having to get treatment)”. They really are a special group of people. It felt good to do something nice for them. 

It was definitely a little emotional being in that clinic again, but it was good. Taking it one day at a time, but making a conscious effort to be more helpful and loving to others. The future is bright. I don't know what exactly that entails, but it is bright. 

Of course, it's not all rainbows and unicorns or whatever... I miss Christian like nobody can imagine.  Unless you have lost someone that you have given all of your heart and love to for so many years, it is impossible to fathom. She was all of me. We had a great life together, and everything was going fantastic, then the rug got pulled. There is a hole in me, that if I would let it, it could consume me. The way I've found to evade that, is with strength and positivity that only God can give... he has so far, and he will continue to. It really is sad that it took a situation like this to grow my relationship with him and show me how much I should have already relied on him, but I am so glad that he is with me now. All I can do, is do things right moving forward. Having the support from my friends and family is another part that helps for sure. 

As much as it "sucks", everything happens for a reason. God knows why. It doesn’t have to make sense to us. When I said “in sickness and in health” 12 years ago, I had no idea what was in store for us over the past year & a half. I can tell you that what I did know, is that no matter what came our way, I was going to be there for her... and I was. That is just me. That part of it is something that has helped me with finding peace. Knowing what I did for her, and that I was the best thing for her (from an earthly perspective) through it. 

2020 was our 10 year anniversary. She wanted to go to Italy. I planned out a week long trip, figured out the flights, rooms, train stations, tickets, and what all we were going to do in the three cities. We were going to explore Rome, Venice, and Florence. We were getting ready to book everything, and covid happened. So she said “well, 2020 is just not our year”. That seems like yesterday. Then she was diagnosed April 2021. So she said, “well 2021 is not our year either”. That continued through 2022 as everyone knows untl a month ago. But that is not necessarily true. Every year, was still our year. We didn’t make it to Italy, but we still had all of our time together. It doesn’t matter where we were. We were together. I just thought of this and wanted to share it. 

I can tell our little dog (mongrel, mongie, capone, she gave him a million names) is getting older.
I can also tell he misses his mama sometimes. Some days he shows more signs that he is getting older. His hearing is definitely not what is used to be, and he sleeps a lot more. Now he follows me all over the house like he did with her. He still has his spunk when he wants to, and he is fine, but I can see he is slowing down some.
On the days when he is showing those signs more, and I talk to him like "yeah I know buddy, I know you won't be here forever" it is like deja Vu from the thoughts in my mind with Christian for the months before she passed. You know it's going to come eventually, and there is nothing you can do about it. 
It is part of the experience here on earth. I take good care of him, and love him while I have him.
He was her little buddy. She will be happy to see him when his time does eventually come to go join her. 

I honestly hope I'm done with any kind of illness or death for a while. I hope I don't get dealt anymore, anytime soon.  With that said, if I do get dealt another hand of it for someone close to me in the near future, I'll be there for whoever it is. But if I had my way, I don't want any more of it right now. 

I have been staying fairly busy between being back to work, all the normal stuff around the house, and trying to catch up on some projects. There is also plenty of other stuff to do in a situation like this with forms & paperwork, insurance issues, medical bill issues, etc... It keeps you busy, and it is not a smooth process to say the least lol. I just keep a list of things pending that I need to check status on or whatever, so I don’t forget something. 

I think I am doing really good. Just doing life the best I can and looking forward to my future. 
A lot of life to live here (hopefully), a lot of love to share, and a lot of goodness to give to others. 

I am not really planning to post much more on here after this one. 
I feel like I am getting a decent grip on life, and with help from above, it will continue going in that direction.  

There is not much reason for me to post up about how Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or whatever other holidays I experience without her over the next 11 months. This is not supposed to be my story anyways, I just kind of took it over here at the end.

Just please know, that I am doing good. I think if you read the last post, you know I am as honest as one can be on here,  and I would tell you if I was not ok. This chapter of me has been a fairly open book. 

Today deserved a post to show honor and tribute to our marriage and our love. 
We were close enough the 12yr mark, that is what I tell anyone who asks.  

Our love deserves to be remembered. I will always love her. 

Thank you for all of the support in so many ways. I can't say thank you enough to everyone. So many people. People I don't know. Close friends or family. Everyone.  It doesn’t feel like enough, but really all I can do right now is just say thank you, and do my best to pass it forward. 

Happy Anniversary Dear. I love you and miss you.