How I found peace in her death.

I know this is Christian's cancer story blog.. but I am making one last post here, and it is about me. This is for two reasons. One, so everyone who cares about me can know how I am doing. Two, It is also for all of the strangers that have kept up with her story. They can see this peace and positivity, and hopefully see what trusting in God can do for a person in a dark time.

The day that Christian died (Tuesday Aug 9th) here on earth, and went to heaven, I thought I was prepared.   I thought I was ready. I had seen this day coming for months, and knew we were getting closer every time something changed. I would contemplate what I would be doing after this was all over with. Of course, it revolved around me doing whatever I wanted to do, selfish thoughts. I had just spent the last year and a half consumed with the word cancer. Absolutely no regrets on that being my life, I wouldn’t change a thing, as you will read on to find out.  

I was just tired, and was ready to do whatever I wanted to do (or so I thought).  

Lately, I had spent every waking moment of my life loving my wife. Doing anything I could possibly do, to make her time here better, more fun, comfortable, surprising, relaxing, you name it. I loved doing every minute of it. I went out of my way to do things I would have not normally done in years prior.  
Don’t get me wrong, she was spoiled from day one. She was my princess and I treated her as such for the entire 12 years we were married. But the past year and a half, I tried to push it to the next level, and give her everything I had.

She didn’t deserve cancer, but she deserved anything I could do to help make her life better while she had it.  
I was the best person on this earth for the job regarding supporting her on her cancer journey.  
Countless people have told me that. Dr. Paluri called me the other day, and he said that Christian was extremely lucky to have me help carry her through this battle. He said that my diligence, researching, questioning, pushing, etc... is something that he far too often does not see in a caregiver in this setting. He said that I was at the top of his list regarding a caregiver for someone battling that nasty disease. That says a lot to me, because he sees it day in and day out.  

Since she died, I have had so many of my guy friends tell me that I am the strongest man and best person they know for all I did for her during her battle. Some say “I don’t know if I could have done it”.  I can't really comprehend that honestly. I did not think. I just did. It was no choice. I just tried to make the road from here to heaven for her as smooth as possible.  
Of course I would be there for her, through thick and thin, better or worse, sickness and in health, just like I vowed to be. If you truly love someone with all of your heart, you would do the exact same thing without a single thought about it. I am not bragging on myself here, just hang on, I am getting to a point on why all of this helped me find the peace.  

The two days / nights before she died, our house was full of her family.  
We played some beautiful songs on the speakers that she loved. We all took our time holding her hand and saying what we wanted to say to her, as we knew the end was near. Everyone had their cries.  
Then Tuesday morning she went home to be with God in Heaven.  

I had previously written most of the “last blog post” ahead of time because there was so much to say, and I knew it would take me days to get everything inside of me out on paper. Everything I said was true, but I had no idea what was in store for me later that day.  

I posted up the links, and shared everything online. Her family all went home except Jen. She stayed while I handled getting hospice out here, then the funeral home to get her body. Later that afternoon Jen & I rode together to the funeral home, I signed the papers, and paid the man for the crematory services.  

We came back to my house, where Steven (Jen’s husband) & Annabell (their daughter, my niece) met us.  
We ate some dinner, then I told them that they needed to go home and be with each other, and try to get some rest. The 2 weeks prior, there was not a lot of sleep for Jen or myself here in this house.  She stayed here several nights to help Christian if she got up at night. So, we took turns with that. It was pretty exhausting for us both there towards the end. 

What happened next, took me completely off guard, and hit me like a shockwave. 

They pulled out of my driveway. 2 minutes later, I felt this massive weight of heaviness set in on me. The house was empty (minus the mongrel), and my mind went dark. It was so surreal the amount of tension I felt mentally and physically. I really cannot describe it. I started crying. I was trying to think to myself “Christian said she wants me to be happy and to think of her being cancer free now in heaven” and then I would think to myself “oh yeah, easy for her to say, she is the one that is gone to heaven and I am stuck here by myself in this empty house”.  
 
I missed her like something you cannot imagine. It was like a light switch in my body got flipped to the off position. Everything was dark, my thoughts, my feelings, everything. I would contemplate “why am I even here?”, “We don’t have any kids or anything, so what is the purpose?”, “she was my purpose, now she is gone, I am an empty shell of a person, with no purpose at all”.  
Physically my stomach was in knots, my chest was tight, there was a lump in my throat I could not swallow, I was uncontrollably crying for hours with no pause and no way to stop. I never in a million years would have imagined, that an outside event (even as traumatic as losing your wife of 12 years) could have had such a physical and mental effect on me.  I have always been a realist. I have always thought, that in pretty much every situation life throws at you, you have the power in your heart and mind to decide how to handle it. If you want to be negative or upset, you will be. If you want to be positive and happy, you will be. I was wrong.  
I had no control for 3 days. I still had my common sense and decent brains (I guess) that told me there is no optional way for me to get out of this. Doing something irreversible to end my life is not an option to me for so many reasons, I won’t get into. I did however think “it would be nice if I would just have a heart attack (or something of natural causes) so I could be out of here and be with her” since “I don’t really have any reason to be here anymore”.  Something that would be nobody’s fault... something where I would just be gone and it would be something that would be as easy to accept by everyone as possible. Then I would think “yeah, I won’t get that lucky”.  
 
It was a very dark couple of days. I did not want any company, other than her sister Jen. For some reason, she was the only one I felt comfortable being around, or talking to. I think it is because we had just gone thru the slop of the past 2 weeks together, so I felt like she would understand me better? I don’t know, I told her “I am sorry that you are the one, but you are the one I need to talk to and be around” Haha. She told me to shut it and that anything I needed she was there. And she was. She came over to the house a couple evenings and sat on the couch with me while I cried my eyes out and listened to my darkness and emptiness. I knew that bottling up my thoughts and feelings would be the worst thing I could do, even though I had not been an emotional person much before this. I let it all out. I told her everything I was thinking and feeling. I was an open book with her through it all, and I still am. Looking back on that, I can never show the amount of gratefulness I have for having her to let it all out to. She helped me get through the dark mess.   

I think in sharing my grief with her, it might have even helped her some to get through some of hers as well.  

I stayed in the house, in the bed, and cried for hours on end. Staring at the ceiling, crying, and contemplating the reason I was even here on this earth. That remained pretty consistent from Tuesday evening (when they went home) all the way until Saturday morning. I did attempt to pull myself together for a few hours on Thursday (barely) to get a haircut (cried with the lady that cuts my hair, how awkward is that lol) and I went with a good friend (who actually dresses well) to the mall to buy a suit. Then I came home and broke back down. I almost resented being here in this empty house. Why did she have to decorate it so perfectly anyways? 

I had jealous thoughts of people who still had their wife, "must be nice". I had angry thoughts of people that had threw away their marriages, thinking “must be nice to have that option (which would have never happened, I am just saying) mine was stolen from me and neither of us had a choice” or “if Christian was still here, I can tell you with 100% certainty we would be married 40 years from now”. These were just dark grief heavy thoughts. I have no resentment towards anyone in any way for any of their life choices, I am just sharing my mental / emotional experience I had.   

Saturday morning, I got up, and I knew I had to get it together, because it was the day.  
We were having her Celebration of Life service at The Summit Church. I got all cleaned up, dressed up, etc... and picked up Jen.  
We put pictures and personal items of Christian’s out on a table in the lobby of the church. I was a mess inside, cried a little, but was holding ok. As the service got started, I walked behind Pastor Jonathan (along with family behind me) to be seated. As I reached my seat, I completely melted down in tears thinking “we should not be here”, “she should still be here”, yet here we are.  
Jonathan said a few words, and prayed. Then it was my turn. I was not sure if I could read what I wrote or not. I had tried a few times in the previous days, but every time, I would just start bawling or just go into a dark hole in my mind and stop. I was fully prepared to get 2 words out, destruct, and get someone else to read it.  

As I stood up there, reading my words, to her, and about her, it kept getting easier.  
It kept getting more peaceful and somewhat happier (as weird as that sounds).  
As I finished up speaking, it felt like the light switch in my body got turned back to the “on” position.  
The darkness was leaving. There was peace, love, and happiness, working its way back in. Peace being the key word.  
Her death was becoming a calming peace inside of me, instead of negative sorrow. I was realizing more and more, that my only purpose here might have felt like it had been HER before, but there will be new purpose, and it will be great.  I was becoming so much happier that she was not here dealing with that crap anymore, and that she was in heaven, and she was perfect in every way now.  
I didn’t resent the fact that she isn’t here anymore, or that “I am alone”. I was saying the words “I am glad she is gone and in heaven now” and I meant that in the most respectful way because of the peace that came over me. After everything she had been through on this cancer journey, she deserved to be in the best place.  
Of course, if we all had a magic wand, we would wave it and I would take another 40 years with her.  
I felt so peaceful and some joy in my heart after saying what I wrote. When I cried, it was not tears of pain, anguish, and sorrow anymore. They were tears of joy for her. The photos of her different aspects of life that played on the screens in the background in the service really showed all of her best parts. Of course, I cried a little bit seeing them. The pictures of us from over the years were an awesome reminder of the beautiful and amazing time we had together. My tears were those of happiness and gratefulness that we got to enjoy those 12 years together.  

The service was absolutely perfect in every way. Christian would say the exact same thing. She would have loved it. There was a lot of emotion all over. If you were there, and you experienced it, I know you could feel it.  
It was an awesome tribute to her, and she deserved all of it. 
 
Days before the service, I would think to myself what it would be like when the service is over, and I am out in the lobby letting people come console me, and offer their condolences. I would think “I will be sitting over in the corner bawling my eyes out, a complete mess, not being able to talk to anyone... they will just come pat me on the back and walk by”.   
To my surprise, after the beautiful service, saying my peace, and feeling a change inside me, I felt good.  
My stomach was settled, my chest was not tight, there was no lump in my throat, I was not choking back tears, I felt good. I talked with so many people. Gave so many hugs, and shook a bunch of hands. So many people were there that all mean a lot to us. The crazy thing, I did not shed a single tear out in that lobby. I felt joy and peace with all of it. 
I even said a to a couple people “I honestly don’t know how I am holding it together out here right now” because it was surprising to me.  I knew I felt a little different, but hadn't realized for sure that the switch got thrown back to the on positive position.  You go ahead and try having 4 days of what I did prior, you would be surprised and confused too.  Looking back, I know now what I didn’t know then.  
 
We went back to Steven & Jen’s house where her family was. We ate a little bit, and hung out for a few.  I was pretty exhausted, so I came home to lay down and relax.  
I did not have any dark feelings, my body physically felt ok, and I was in a decent headspace. I didn’t really cry much. That is when I began to talk to Christian some for the first time. I had not talked to her before, because I had some resentment in my dark hole. Now I had nice things to say to her. The amount of peace with her death I gained after her service is unexplainable. It consumed a lot of the negativity completely.  Since then, I feel like I have been recovering pretty well. I have been feeling pretty decent and not much crying at all. If I do cry, it is tears of joy, over happy memories or something positive. Happy tears. Overall, I honestly feel like I am getting better every day. I'm glad of that.  

 
The other part of my peace finding, is what I was getting to earlier talking about everything I tried to do for Christian when she was here (the part that sounded like bragging maybe), let’s touch on that.  
Realizing what all I did (because I never really thought about it while I was in the mix) also helped me tremendously to have a lot of peace with how everything went regarding her illness and death.  
Conversations with people regarding my involvement as a caregiver for her, have led me to realize that God hand-picked us for each other.  Not only did he hand-pick us for each other for the good times (the 10 awesome years before cancer), but he did it, just as much, for the 1.5 years of battling illness.  
He knew how she would handle her battle, and he knew how I would handle helping her fight.  
God already knew we would get these 12 years, and that when the time came, I was the rock and exactly what she would need here on an earthly level. He put us together for all of the reasons. All of them. 
Knowing that is true, has showed me something.  Back when we started dating, God knew.  

If he knew back then, what these 12 years of our life together would look like, and how that story would come to an end, then he knows what the next 12 of mine will look like.  He brings the purpose. He brought her into my life, and then back out of it. He knows what he is doing, and I am fully accepting of that. None of this was a coincidence.  
With that said, he will bring whatever chapter is next in my life to me, and I am looking forward to that.  
I am looking forward to becoming my new person.  There will still be a solid base of original Kenny in there, but let’s be real, I am rebuilding my life.  I got married to her the day after I turned 22, so I was just a kid. Having her every day is all I have known so far.  So, this will be a process, and I will be starting over in a sense, but I am very much looking forward to my new life.  It is exactly what she would have wanted. She told me she wants me to be happy, and I am glad I am feeling that now, and not in an empty negative hole of darkness. 
It is like I was telling Jen the other day. If the tables were flipped, and I was the one dying, and I had a magic wand, I would have told Christian “The day I die, I am going to wave this magic wand, so the next day when you wake up, you won’t have any sorrow or pain, you will be happy, and you will be able to enjoy your new life without me starting that day!!”. Obviously, none of that is realistic, but that is what I would have wanted for her, and it is what she wanted for me.  
I will always have her in my heart, but I am at peace and happy she is up there.  
Maybe I’ll have some not so good days every now and then, I don’t know.  What I do know is that the peace, joy, and happiness that has filled my heart for her being in heaven with Jesus now should be able to swallow them up.  He is helping me every day, and I feel closer to him than I have in a long time. I am so grateful for the time we had together. It was a blast. I will catch up to her later up there.  

Now, borrowing some of Christian’s last words (regarding leaving here to go to heaven) for myself: 
“It’s time to step off, and move onto the next adventure” as best I can, with my new life here on earth. 

I'm 33 years old. I have a lot of life and love to share. I know I am a good guy, and being one, has always paid off. It did with Christian and our time together, and it will again, whatever that looks like.  I'm going to take it one day at a time, and find happiness when I find it.  I'm excited for what the future holds for me and my new life here.  I am so grateful that I was only down in the dark hole for a short period of time, and that the switch is back in the correct position. I am glad I have Jesus on my side, and that he is helping me. I am looking forward to building my new life here. Maybe it seems “a little too soon” for me to be becoming more positive to some people (I hope nobody feels that way), but all I can do is share how I feel and what I'm thinking.  
God has helped me with getting through this, and as unfortunate as this situation is, it has brought me closer to him, which is a good thing.  Both God & Christian want me to live my life here, so if he has helped me get to the point of being able to start doing that, then I am not going to waste it. You only get so much time on this earth, make the most of every day. 

Another thing that I have also recognized some, is that I have been grieving for a long time. If you would have asked me over the last few months, “Are you ok?” or “Are you doing any grieving?” I would have probably laughed. I was in a high octane excel robot husband caregiver mode. I didn’t think, I just did. Whatever was needed, I was on it. I never thought about myself, and had absolutely no issue with that. My love and caring for her was all of me. It was not about me. 
I never showed it to her, because I was a solid rock for her... but now that it is over, looking back at myself over the past few months (when I pretty much knew this was coming), any time that I had to myself, I was grieving.  
In the car, in my bed at night (we slept separately so she would get better rest thru treatment), etc.  
Looking back, I remember crying myself to sleep at night a lot, for months before she died, because I knew she would soon not be here anymore. I did not recognize that as part of the grief process. I just thought I was upset because I was doing everything I could, but it was not enough. Now I realize that is part of the grief, so my process began long ago.  
 
I want to say thank you to Jen LeBeau, my late wife’s sister for all of the support she has given for so long now.  
I know she would be mad that I am writing this, because she “doesn’t need thanked” but too bad so sad.  
She has been God sent for helping her sister through everything. On top of that, she has been a blessing for me since the death. She has heard it all. She heard my dark days; she has heard my excitement for my new life. She has heard my sorrow of missing Christian; she has heard my joy for Christian being perfect now.  I cannot thank her enough for helping me and listening to me. Jen, thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

I want to also give a huge shout out to a guy I met on one of my stock trader forums, Frank.  
I had shared some of Christian’s story every once in a while on the forum because there are a handful of trader guys on there have become friends over the years.  So, I tried to keep them somewhat up to date when big changes would happen in her journey.  When she passed, I let them know. Frank was someone that I had not seen on the board before, but he saw my post.  
He commented and said “Hey bud, I went through a very similar situation years ago, if you want to, feel free to reach out” on Tuesday afternoon (the day she died).  I was hesitant that day, because at that point I was thinking “I got this”.  
Then that evening, I found out “I don’t got this” Haha.  
 
I hit him up with my heaviness and darkness, and we have been talking a lot over the past week.  
He has shared some of his story with me, and he has read a lot of the blog. My story touched his heart, and his story has helped me tremendously. His story was a lot more complex, dirtier, and more complex than mine. He and his late wife had their small children in the mix, there was some anger and resentment from some family members towards him, and some other stuff. He had a it a lot harder than I did. Having someone to talk to, that has been through this before, and is telling you “You will be ok man, you got this, I know it is hard, but you got this”, and knowing his situation was worse than mine, was so encouraging for me. Especially in my dark hole days. I cannot say thank you enough to him. We have talked about a lot of different things; we think a lot alike and like a lot of the same stuff.  
He has remarried and his wife was an “instamom” (his words) to his kids and they have a great life. He went through the same situation I did with his late wife (cancer) over a 4-year battle, and he was the same age as me when she passed. It was so crazy to find him on a random stock board and for us to connect and be so similar in so many ways (hunting, fishing, outdoors, all kinds of stuff).  God works in mysterious ways, that is all I know. I am grateful. I really think we will stay in touch and be long distance friends for the rest of my life because we share this bond, he is a good dude like me, and we are both easy to talk to each other.

Thanks for all of the help Frank. You are the man. 

I'm going to be ok, and I'm on an upward momentum from here. I talk to Christian, in the house, in the car, whatever. I make jokes to her about stuff we would normally joke about and laugh some. I tell her “See dear, my clothes are still piled up on the floor right where you like them to be hahaha” (she hated it lol). Good times.  
Sometimes when riding down the road, I see a rainbow or some beautiful sunny rays coming from behind a cloud and I think that her and God are both right there. They see me.  
 
She will always be a part of me, but she is not here on earth anymore.  
I am... so I will find purpose, build a new life, and find happiness again!! 

 
To all of my friends and family, from all walks of life... from my mother, to a fishing or hunting buddy, a co-worker, etc... I cannot explain it, but ever since these changes in my life (both dark and light), things feel differently.  I just don’t really feel like hanging out with many people right now. I don’t feel like I have a lot to talk about honestly.  I don’t really seem to care about certain things as much as I used to. Take fishing for instance. Before she died, I was 100% certain, that my way of coping with her being gone and “whatever grief I might have”, was going to be me going out into the Pamlico sound, beating some banks inshore fishing in some back creeks.  Trust me, if that is what I wanted to do, I have 3 buddies that are on my butt to go do that and I would be going.  I can’t explain it, but right now, it doesn’t interest me. I just don’t feel like it. I will eventually, because I know I love to do that, but right now I just don’t care to go do that. I have been spending a little bit of time (and money) getting some things ready for this upcoming deer season, so I will probably be doing a good bit of hunting (which is alone and quiet time) watching the woods come alive. That is always peaceful. 

Finding motivation to do things it my only struggle right now, so I can't complain about that. I have one more week off of work, then I plan to go back. Maybe that will help me get it in gear, idk.

 
I know everyone wants to spend time with me. Maybe it is because they are worried about me because I am alone. Maybe it is because they just love me and want my company. Maybe it is just because I am one awesome dude lol.  I don’t know, but what I do know, is right now, I just ain’t really feeling it.  Nothing negative, I am not in a dark hole, I am good!!  I just don’t really want to sit around and talk or do much of anything.  
I am just doing things that I want (or need) to do around the house. I have a lot of projects I am trying to catch up on when I can find the motivation to do so. I do go hang out with Steven and Jen and Annabell some.  
So please, I hope nobody gets offended if I am just not wanting to hang out, or go out to eat, or whatever.  

Give me some time. If I don’t answer a phone call, I am sorry. I have replied to every text message, so at least you get that lol. 
 
As much as I have said I am good here and the peace and joy I am finding more every day, it is still true that this is a major life adjustment with her gone as far as the normal day to day stuff.  I just gotta take it day by day, and when I am ready to hang out, I will let you know!  
I am physically and mentally ok. Please do not worry about me, or cry or be upset for me, because I am not crying or upset with any of this situation.  Just know, I am ok, and I am not hurting.  
I am on the pursuit to find purpose and happiness, build a new life, and excited to do so. 

I am thankful for all of the support in so many ways.  
Also, financially, the GoFundMe, checks from people, donations, cards, letters, all of it has put me at just about break even financially on the cost of her medical bills and her cremation services.  
When everything is paid up and done, I am just going to write a nice check out of my own money to donate to Wake towards colorectal cancer research like she wanted.  
That brings more joy to me. See, I can find it without even looking for it. It just comes. 

Thanks to all.  

Much love, Kenny